goodbyes or badbyes

When you sail across the ocean waters, And you reach the other side safely, Could you smile a little smile for me? 'cause I'll be thinkin' about you...

It's quiet tonight. Eerily quiet. There's hardly any traffic, no blaring music and no little kids screaming under my window. There's a half eaten bag of peanut m&m's on my bed and a glass of wine within arms reach. Tonight, I'm relishing in the time to be by myself, I'm stuck in my head, but it is different than before, it's more of a reflective stuck, one that is easy to come out of. Like floating on your back in the kiddy pool, no worries of being overwhelmed by the next wave or apprehension of not being able to touch the bottom. A comfortable safe place for me to think about the future, the past, and the direction I want to go, and all the goodbyes that I have said, and have yet to say

I was walking down the metro steps today when a memory washed onto me with a power known only to the really good memories that have been forgotten for too long. It was a good one. I was in the metro saying goodbye to a good friend. We were both a little tipsy from the shots of cafe liquor that we took because they weren't allowed on his carryon. He hugged me tight in a way that gave away his anxiousness at starting a new adventure. He took my face in his hands and told me to go out every night, live it up, and cause trouble. He then kissed me goodbye and without a second thought, walked through the gate. The doors shut with a slam that closed the chapter of life that we had been allowed to share together. He looked back at me and tossed his head back in laughter brought on from the homemade alcohol. He waved goodbye and got onto the early 8 am train.

Today I said another goodbye. It wasn't one that was heavy with finality or closure, just a simple ate amanha, with an easy punch on the shoulder. We haven't been able to cross the culture barrier into saying goodbye with dois beijinhos on either cheek. I ruined that the first week I was in lab, but despite that it isn't awkward. It's one good friend saying goodbye to another. See you tomorrow friend where you'll call me a redneck and I'll make you laugh from my ridiculous serenades. Or where I'll embarrass you by using a stirring rod to play beakers full of solutions, and your steady hand will fix whatever mistake I've made. Where you'll share your cookies and I'll fix your english. We'll laugh at my stories about my landlord, or at Barbie the resident fake beauty who controls the second floor bathroom, or at a new slang word or my Portuguese pronunciation. A comfortable goodbye that holds promise for tomorrow.

The goodbyes that I have to say will most likely not be good. I'm not ready to end this adventure and say my last ate logo, not knowing how soon that will be fulfilled.

While these goodbyes may be hard they bring with them the hope of hello. There are people that I am dying to see. I'm ready to see their smiles, ready to be in their arms in hugs that will last forever, and to hear about their lives. Where I know that when I say see you soon, I can measure that soon in the amount of time it takes me to walk two hundred yards.

So I'm going to not worry about amazing hellos or heavy goodbyes. I have two weeks until I have to leave my dreamworld and come back (at least a little) to reality. So goodbye good friends, until tomorrow.....