Saturday, March 28, 2009

The constant compromise

3:30 pm
i made it through another week. I let myself fall asleep on the futon and set the alarm for two hours from now to make it to dinner.

alarm clock goes off. I don't move

alarm clock goes off. I don't move

alarm clock goes off. I roll over and turn it off

open my eyes to mere squints to see who is calling. turn phone completely off. 

decide i'm hungry and have a little adventure

10:45 approximately 25 minutes into the movie the Hulk
Out again. Everyone laughs

1:52 am 
still awake. I tried sleeping more, but my brain is confused. I really need to work on this sleep schedule. Though I'm really enjoying getting things done knowing I'm one of the last ones awake... i know i am going to pay for it tomorrow. Maybe with another five hour nap. 

Here's some random things to keep you occupied while hopefully i sleep 

-My window looks out onto the kansas city skyline. I hardly ever close my curtains. I like it being the first and last thing i look at when sleep finally does come. 

-I rearranged my room tonight. It made me miss Sarah, she always helps me

-I need a date to a whiskey tango wedding. Anyone interested? You're going to have to be comfortable with big farm boys, lots of alcohol and definitely need to be able to handle a shotgun. I figured more people would fit these requirements

-i have to be up in four hours to get ready for my first standardized test extravaganza. MCAT here i come.... I'll either be giddy tomorrow, scared to death, or dead from exhaustion. I'll let you know how my scores come out with that combination of effects. We'll call it our own little science experiment

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Lots of Leaving left to do

The word for the week is Leaving or taking or walking out, whichever you prefer. 

1.) My Grandmother's estate was up for auction this past weekend. I didn't know what to expect walking in, but by the time I got there, there were tables and tables of stuff. My Grandma's things were organized in boxes and lined row after row of tables. There were the games that I played with every time we visited, the cement lawn ornament that sat in the front garden for at least twenty years, every piece of furniture, decoration and dish was sitting on a table for someone to paw through and place a value on. It didn't hit me until later that day when I saw things that were important to me walk out the door in someone else's possession. I saw jewelry that my grandmother wore everyday be shoved carelessly into a woman's purse. My Grandfather's army uniform be thrown into the back of a car. Items of great importance be picked up and set back down again because they meant nothing to the visitor. All the possessions that my grandparents spent their entire life collecting are now spread across the country. Each person that walked out that door left with a little piece of my heart. 

2.) After the auction I spent less than 12 hours at the new house before leaving for Louisiana. I stayed long enough to see my puppy and spend some time with my mom before leaving again. A big chunk of my heart was left in Louisiana

3.) I stayed in Louisiana for two full days. Two packed full, too short, days. I got to see everyone I lvoed, all my kids, my Momma T and got to enjoy it with friends from Jewell. While talking to a friend they said that it looked like I had a lot of weight on my shoulders. I wasn't brave enough to tell him that my heart was in pieces 

4.) Today came too soon. I had to leave more of my heart behind. Every mile that took me further and further away from my family took another little piece of my heart. It was kind of like I was leaving a trail of crumbs for someone to come find me... 

So now, though the break isn't over I feel the stress and deadlines coming back. I need time to process, and for someone to collect all the pieces of my heart and tell me they aren't going to be leaving anytime soon. Or I just need to learn how to be better at leaving.

"I don't know why they call them Good-byes because they are hardly ever good..."

Saturday, March 7, 2009

SK80's night

Tonight is SK80's night, an 80's themed Skating party.... 

I'm pumped

I think i was born in the wrong decade... 
Reason 1 - I wear leg warmers almost everyday. Not acceptable to some in this new age. Totally okay in the 80's 

Reason 2 - I have to tone down my taste in clothing, I wouldn't have to in the 80's 

Reason 3 - Big hair makes me happy 

Tonight is going to be pretty great!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Heaven in a jar

I ate my Momma T's salad dressing for the first time since Christmas. It brought back a flood of memories, but this is what stayed in my mind... 

I'm sitting on the front porch
 of the White House in a rocking chair that has seen better days. It is flaking white paint and every other rock or so you have to stop and put the pegs of the legs back into the rockers. I'm sitting watching the gorgeous Louisiana sun set behind highway 49. The colors are more vibrant t
han I've ever seen, the noise is distant, and children are busy. There is a cool breeze that washes away the heat of the day. I look over the street and watch a football fly by, three bikes go by even faster, two with riders without helmets. Those two are breaking Cardinal rule #1, but I can't bring myself to yell for fear of breaking this extreme peace I feel. I slowly rock back and watch the sun sink a little farther, rock forward and watch another child ride by. I almost don't feel the tiny weight of a little body crawling on my lap. I'm pulled out of my thoughts long enough to see the smile that covers her face ear to ear. She tucks her head under my chin and snuggles into the crook of my arm as I continue rocking. This my friends is peace. No worries, no stress, just beauty and lots of lvoe. Where there is time to just sit and listen or watch, time to enjoy each other.  

I have a feeling this is how Heaven will be...