Wednesday, March 9, 2011

flings and rings

Sometimes I wake up by the door, That heart you caught must be waiting for you, Even now when we're already over, I can't help myself from looking for you....

I spent the night tossing and turning. My mind wouldn't shut down, wouldn't stop reminiscing. Except reminiscing has the connotation that I was working through good thoughts. This was a battle. I was walking step by step through the past. From the first date, to the final tear. Every tender moment, every conversation, everything that led up to the denouement. The moment where everyone knew it was over. The night was rough by all means. I replayed that old, utterly ridiculous break-up conversation over and over in my head, for hours it seemed. By three, I was so worn down and broken-hearted that sleep mercifully wrapped its arms around me and took me away.

What brought this on you ask? No, especially now, I'm not the type to dwell on this past relationship. I've moved on and am much happier than years ago. I've received closure, and yet he still has this hold over me. This night especially, I stumbled upon a photo a friend took of him proposing to his new girlfriend.

He's engaged.

Finding it took my breath away. When I started breathing again, I laughed, tried to put it out of my head, but it persisted. It wiggled its way into my thoughts and was always lurking in the corner, until finally i was forced to confront the fact that my first love has truly moved on.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change where I am now for anything, and I don't particularly want the old fling to be pinning for me for the rest of his life. That would just be cruel. But there was something inside of me that snapped. It wasn't that final letting go feeling, it was more like he had given the final twist to the knife that he had stabbed my heart with years ago. That sounds super dramatic, almost like I need to be wearing a hoop skirt and falling onto a fainting couch. Or as if this is an troubled eighth grader's diary. No matter what this is, it was uncomfortable.

Normally I can laugh at the breakup antics, the things I regretfully said, even the forced conversations later, but not this night. I tossed and turned fitfully, working through the past. In the end though, despite the bruised heart and hurt I was feeling I decided that losing your first love is never easy, but you often have to lose someone to find the one who is truly meant for you.

...I set fire to the rain, And I threw us into the flames, When we fell, something died, 'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh, Oh, no....Let it burn, oh....Let it burn....Let it burn

1 comment:

.M. said...

"I've received closure, and yet he still has this hold over me."

i understand this sentiment completely.

Moving on from your first love-possible. Forgetting your first love-i'm not even sure that's something you'd want to be possible.