Sunday, October 4, 2009

reasons, excuses and lessons

I feel empty and a little used, but there's a reason. Exhausted, but there's a reason for that too. Cold, but there's another reason.

Did I bring this all on myself? Most likely.
Will the drama come for me? Probably.
Am a aiming for a breakdown? Definitely.

I'm pretty good at pretending that a lot of things don't affect me. I've been pretending for far too long. I think I'm done pretending to be "that" girl.

I went to the Harriman event last night and heard a tenor sing opera after opera. He made it look easy, he made it look simple. He held onto the piano like a safety blanket. He made me want to sing. The operas took my breath away. The lyrics were in French, Italian, and English, with translations to pick up the words i couldn't translate fast enough. The english translations hit me like a ton of bricks. I made a joke of them and said that the writer had serious love issues, but in reality I knew what he was struggling wit. He sang about being stuck. He wasn't in love, but wasn't allowed to leave his torment brought on by the beautiful women. He couldn't die, but he wasn't living. He was flying in the skies while at the same time being grounded on the earth. A constant juxtaposition that ended in tragedy. I took the lesson to mean that you will get stuck if you simply use someone and get no love or expect anything else from them. You will fly when they are with you, but that will all come crumbling to the ground the minute you expect to hear the words you long for. The ones that make you feel wanted or cared for, or beautiful.

Last night, I didn't just learn this in the opera.

This morning, when I got in the car to find a place to work on my projects for the day I wanted to just drive. I needed that clarity, I needed to run away.

I wanted to
I didn't
I hate that I had to stay

Two weeks.

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